I recently bought a book. Admittedly, it was a comic book, and admittedly, it was written recently, which should have told me something. It was dark, fairly bloody, the story unfinished (which seriously irritated me), and the artwork was blocky and involved too many nigh-monochromatic scenes.
Had I had more of a chance to pre-read it than I did, I would not have bought it.
But these things above, while griping, were not what made me throw up my hands and howl in irritation.
That was the dialogue.
Now, I love dialogue, especially in comics. You give me some witty banter, some nice back-and-forth, and I will read it over and over. And, if the writing is funny, I will giggle for several minutes over it. I love quips, one-liners, even soliloquies. I like stark, serious discussions that lay bare a character's soul.
I dislike profanity. And this comic book was full of it. There were perhaps two, maybe three pages that went by without the characters dropping F-bombs, often three or four in the same sentence. The most prolific word in that entire work started with F. Nobody--street rat, thief, royal, mysterious guy, random Joe, even the pestiferous shadow-things from an evil dimension--could express themselves without turning to that word. None of them.
Seriously?
Maybe people think that's 'edgy'. Maybe they think it's a sign of progress that you can put uncensored profanity on every page and it will still sell. I don't know. I just know I hate it.
I've seen a lot of people furiously defending their right to spout words that, when I was a kid, would get you hauled inside to have your mouth scrubbed out with soap. I've seen people sneering at the idea of censoring profanity in comics (comics that kids might see, as well!). There is a page on Facebook celebrating so-called 'Intelligent, Classy Ladies' whose main form of self-expression has four letters.
Well, I've got something to say about that.
Seriously?
It's not edgy, it's not smart, it's not cool. And it sure as shooting isn't intelligent or classy. Cussing a blue streak used to be a sign of a rough character. I'm not sure it still isn't. But in my not-so-humble opinion, it's more a sign of immaturity and bad imagination. Anybody can say those words. It's not saying them that makes you rise above the rest. Saying them--and saying them defiantly when someone else asks you to please clean up your language--makes you sound like a bratty little three-year-old who's just learned he can get a rise out of his mom by saying 'poop'.
That's it. Not smart, not cool, not classy. Just a preschooler.
And those who, in indignation, proceed to blister the wallpaper and the ears of all listeners with their limited vocabulary...have just proved my point.
This also involves writers. At least buy a thesaurus and use that. It might cramp the style of some to say, oh, perhaps, 'copulate' or 'coitus' instead of the ubiquitous F; but it will, at least, expand your vocabulary a little bit and give you the impression of imagination.
Or why not stretch your imagination beyond the marital act and come up with some new swear words altogether? My mom uses algebraic terms. Her favorite is 'polynomials'. I have added new syllables to older grumbles, such as making 'pestiferatious' out of 'pestiferous' (which is one of my favorites, by the way).
One of my favorite parts of writing dialogue in fantasy stories is coming up with new things for people to swear with. Some of them might use the names of fabled villains. Others just string random syllables together to get proper emphasis. Or better yet, get people to use their imaginations. David Eddings, though some would argue that his stories could be better (myself, I love them), was a master of this. He leaves you with no doubt that his characters are more than capable of absolutely blistering every eardrum for five miles...yet he never uses any actual curse words. He tells you that the character swears, and describes the reactions of the listeners, but what they say is left up to the imagination. Which makes the scenes not only safe to read aloud when children are nearby, but also makes them funnier.
And finally, if you must swear, then take the advice of none other than the Pope. (I'm afraid I don't remember which one it was, and I can't figure out how to look it up online. I've tried.) At the time, a building in the Vatican was undergoing either repairs or renovation. There was a carpenter up in the rafters, and the Pope--and no doubt more than a few Cardinals--down below. The carpenter hit his hand, and, being a carpenter, let loose a string of blasphemous obscenities. The Pope looked up and shouted at him, "What's the matter with you, brother? Can't you just say merde (shit) like the rest of us?"
